HBB Poetry Slam!
Readers suggested some housing bubble poetry. “Weekend topic suggestion: HBB Poetry Slam!”
A reply, “Z Originale Housing Bubble Blog Poem (from Feb ‘09). I am but a shock in succession, past its crest, screaming toward its solitary trauma. I am but a glass, futilely reflecting in heedless grace, spurned and hot. I am but a lie or worse, releasing its tendrils and blowing my kiss in mockery of wanting’s tricked embrace.”
Another had this, “Here’s my nominee:
Images……by Tyrone Green
Dark and lonely on a summer’s night
Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord.
Watchdog barking; do he bite?
Kill my landlord, Kill my landlord
Slip in his window, break his neck
Then his house, I start to wreck.
Got no reason…..what the heck?
Kill my landlord. kill my landlord
C….I….L….L…..my land lord.
“Images……by Tyrone Green”
Best ever!
Here’s the link on youtube to Eddie Murphy’s performance of “Images… by Tyrone Greene” from Saturday Night Live:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mrJFf8lTk0
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You’re on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who’ll decide where to go.
~ Dr Seuss
Business Is Booming(?)
But Where Are The Buyers?
Inventory Is Looming
Realtors Are Liars
-Liz Penden, 2011
Full version
‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and rent in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome neighbor outgrabe.
Beware the Realtorwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Originator bird, and shun
The frumious Refisnatch!”
He took his vorpal pen in hand:
Long time the manxome loan he sought–
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Realtorwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling over the yella wood,
And researched as it came!
One, two! One, two! and through and through
The vorpal pen went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
“And hast thou slain the Realtorwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.
‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and rent in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome neighbor outgrabe.
Yes!
The Alan Greenspan edition (not mine, this is from a old editorial cartoon):
‘Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and rent in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the funds rate doth raise by 2 basis point.’
The Deadbeat Poets Society
Listen, my children, and don`t be schocked
About the Deadbeats on your block,
That big old house they say they own;
They bought it with a Liar Loan
They take vacations new cars too
But your parents say it`s not for you?
We pay our bills and we pay your taxes
Our credit cards aren`t at the maxes
For it`s one, if by land, and two, if by sea;
Only the Deadbeats live for free
The bubble is long
The bubble is deep
Rent I will, and eat
Corn on the cob with no %#@king teeth!
[Apologies to Robert Frost]
Two loans diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not borrow both and be one borrower long I stood
And peered down the fixed as far as I could
‘Til it bent around the undergrowth
And then took the ARM, as just as fair
And perhaps having the better claim
For it was sassy and had a lot of flair
But as for that passing there had worn both really about the same [not!]
And on that morn both equally lay
On eaves no rot had tarnished black
Oh, I left the first for another day
And, yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted I should ever pay it back
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two loans diverged in a wood and I,
I took the one less amortized by
And that has made all the difference
Editorial suggestion:
I took the one less amortized
by+1. Excellent. And on another Frost-ian note, “good mortgages make good neighbors.”
Thought I’d mix it up with some highbrow stuff. You know, iambic pentameter and all.
There once was a man from Nantucket
Was so underwater said F#@k it.
Decided to bail
And try a short sale
His banker just told him to s–k it.
There once was a gal from LA
Who HELOC pissed her wealth away
But she never frowns
Because she now downs
A liter of Jim Beam a day
There once was a couple from Frisco
Who bought a spec house by a disco
Now they both felt had
And one said quite mad
“appraisals should now come with Crisco”
The Realtor’s lies made me shiver
But her hot long legs made me quiver
Well that was ‘05
But she now resides
Down in a Van BY THE RIVER!
LMAO… go Rio.
Hey… how about the old stand by’s;
There once was a man from Mass and There once was a man from Peru…..
Honor your debts
And you won`t suk
Get off your @ss
And drive a truck
(Slightly modified version of a poem I saw on the wall of a hangar bathroom stall in Tulsa)
Here I sit.
Straining my pooper
Trying to give birth
To a Realtor.
Hey Wall Street banker here`s the fact
Those loans you made, like dealing Crack
Without the Fed you`d all be sacked
Those bonuses, you give em` back
Home
Comfortable, Secure
Appreciating, Refinancing, Dropping,
When she left me why’d she have to take my damn dog too??!?
Home
She rode in a Lexus, he in a Benz,
They took nice vacations, they thought they had friends,
Her boobs were fake, as were his teeth,
And another appendage kept underneath..
He pushed liar loans for the houses she peddled,
And the lives they helped ruin never left them unsettled,
Until one day when the constable came,
And locked them out of their house on the lane,
And the repo man finally took their rides,
And they no longer had HELOC cash on their side,
And they cried for help but instead they found,
The wrath of anger from their screwed over town.
Grizz,
This is great. Like an HBB fantasy of people getting a comeuppance.
Well done, sir.
+1.
“And another appendage kept underneath”
ROTFLMAO!!!!
CASH BACK AT SIGNING
Every once and then our greed consumes
our better sense
And grasping at our grander dreams,
we bow to our exuberance.
We find our snakes somehow it seems,
their shiny skin all pumped and lean,
their exhortations in our ear soon flick through our imaginings,
and egg us to our base desires:
(The Snake speaks)
“Quick, snap this up–
your starter home,
a charmer with potential —
The way that equity goes up your gains are exponential!
Of course you can afford more house,
the market is on fire .
But better hurry with the bid, the price keeps getting higher.
We’ll write the contract with the numbers that I know they like to see,
These hardwood floors are lovely, no? Just leave it all to me.
That student debt?
No worries, hon.
We’ll get your loan and then some.
We’ll amortize your equity and add it to your income!
Just choose your payment, HELOC out, and buy another three.
Retire by forty, move away and be who you were meant to be.
Your children safe, your income set,
Your lifestyle fancy free
There is no way to lose this bet,
For six percent, your destiny.
Just sign this here. And here. And here.
Now let me get your key.
Congratulations Homeowner.
Your soul belongs to Me.”
#####
And in regret we survey what we wrought
Our future caught in mortgage and sobriety
And all the dreams we gladly bought
Collective and aberrant
to join the “ownership society”
Now return to own as nightmare,
as the true cost comes apparent.
Another excellent one.
Ye wise bloggers, explain
What magic makes our money rise,
When dropt into the Florida main;
Or do these jugglers cheat our eyes?
Put in your money fairly told;
Presto! be gone–’Tis here again:
Ladies and gentlemen, behold,
Here’s every piece as big as ten.
Will apologies to Jonathan Swift
http://www.online-literature.com/swift/poems-of-swift/43/
That landlord poem reminds me a lot of “let’s lynch the landlord” by the Dead Kennedys.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aCiYmCVikjo
Bitterly priced out,
Those who prudently rented
Enjoy the last laugh.
There used to be a lot
Of pepperoni
My orange juice is smaller, too
Down steps Berlusconi
Love the participation!
Procrastination
I hesitate to make a list
Of all the countless deals I’ve missed;
Bonanzas that were in my grip-
I watched through my fingers slip;
The windfalls that I should have bought
Were lost because I over thought;
I thought of this, I thought of that;
I could have sworn I smelled a rat,
And while I thought things over twice
Another grabbed them at the price.
It seems I always hesitate,
Then make up my mind much too late.
A very cautious man am I
And that is why I never buy.
A corner here, ten acres there,
Compounding values year by year,
I chose to think and as I thought,
They bought the deals I should have bought.
The golden chances I had then
Are lost and will not come again.
Today I cannot be enticed
For everything’s so overpriced,
The deals of yesteryear are dead;
The market’s soft-and so’s my head.
At times a teardrop drowns my eye
For deals I had, but did not buy;
And now life’s saddest words I pen-
“If only I’d invested then!”
There’s no easy fix
The time to buy was 1996
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
Jack came down in escrow
Say it like Diceman, “OH!”
a vampire squid from New York
hungered for taxpayer pork
it gorged on our blood
turned our country to mud
but revolt now blooms in the dark
Count this as the first “Yes” vote in favor of having a “Poetry Slam” once a month.
I was pleased to help kick it off with the Tyrone Green classic, but after seeing the quality of the later submissions, it’s obvious that I’m going to have to step my game up.
April is the cruelest month, breeding
Realtors out of the dead land, mixing
mortgages and propaganda, stirring
dull economists with broken models.
I will show you fear in a handful of dust.
You guys are all great! I like the Johnathan Swift type poem.
I hope there is another poetry slam.
OWS will regroup and rise again. the People want their voices heard.