Suzanne, Santa Or… Satan???
The opinions expressed in this GUEST POST are solely ahansen’s and do not necessarily reflect those of the owner, administration, or readership of thehousingbubbleblog.com
First a bit of business.
With all the grim news and hot weather of late, the conversation here at HBB has started to take on a rancor worthy of some rabid wrestlemania site. It’s great good fun to trumpet and bellow and thump our fists on our mighty (opinionated,) breasts; we all do it from time to time. But out of respect for Ben– and for the shell-pink ears of little old lady and gentleman readers like myself– let’s try to use our inside voices, shall we? At least until the next quarterly earnings reports come out. Then we can jeer and catcall to our hearts’ content.
That having been said, it’s high time to toss some red meat to the faithful.
The battle of the sexes is always good for a lively knockdown drag-out, so with today’s post, hows about we set aside our partisan differences and attack each other on the basis of our various genders instead?
SUZANNE. Santa or… SATAN???
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ubsd-tWYmZw
Collusive real estate salespersons have always walked amongst us. But their reputation as handmaidens of Satan never really coalesced until “Suzanne” arrived on the scene during the heyday of the most recent real estate boom. The catchphrase, “Suzanne researched this” was intended to overcome that last desperate attempt of beleaguered spouses everywhere not to throw caution to the wind and “snap up” a “starter home.”
Whole legions of Suzannes, fresh out of Suzanne school were unleashed upon the American public –and we can all see the results of their conniving manipulations. Why, this whole mess is Suzanne’s fault.
But did we learn our lesson?
No we did not. The NAR is once again in full throat touting their time-tested mantra. “It’s a great time to buy.” “Call your professional (!) Real Tor today.” Alas, some of the homeowner-challenged among us are still listening–and responding to the siren call.
Granted, only an idiot or the abnormally solvent would take out a mortgage in this economic climate, but as several of us have noted, that doesn’t prevent our spouses from pining for a house of their own. And pining. And pining. We all know that it’s a losing proposition, a debt saddle, a millstone to mobility; but the biological imperative, that instinctual drive to find a safe place, settle in, and spawn a cadre of replicants, is not a force to be denied.
A home of our own, free from upheaval or the whims of greedy landlords is to the nesting female as a naked, pouting (insert favorite whack-avitar here) is to the horny male. It goes beyond mere beaconing, it’s a compelling attraction that overrides reason or consequence. The nesting instinct is hardwired into our genetics as a survival mechanism, and that’s all there is to it. It makes obsession look like ennui, and addiction look like a breezy flirtation.
But so again, is the instinct for self-preservation. And let’s face it, for the vast majority of us right now, that’s an instinct incompatible with the assumption of a mortgage in any shape or form. When you mix these two often-competing drives together in the same relationship, it’s a recipe for a lively marital dynamic.
As Suzanne so successfully exploited, the good reasons for buying a house are as myriad as the good reasons for not buying a house. I know what I did to wheedle a house out of my then-husband. And I know what a lot of my girlfriends did to get theirs. It wasn’t pretty.
But I’ve also been on the losing end of trying to convince him NOT to buy a house (“FOR GODSAKE DON’T BUY THAT HOUSE!”) I can tell you that in both instances, rational argument had no effect whatsoever on the outcome. And in both cases, the result was economic disaster.*
In the interest of providing ammunition to those of us who might be facing this age-old conflict in our own relationships, I thought it might be fun to share some of the arguments we’ve used to successfully tip the scales in our favor—as well as those that induced us to throw up our hands in defeat. Assuming our spouses aren’t reading over our shoulder, perhaps the information will come in handy.
I’ll go first. (I’m intentionally avoiding the “investment” arguments here, because as we all know, real estate didn’t “always go up.”)
Suzanne -the PRO (in no particular order)
-I’m tired of painting, (planting, cleaning, paying the mortgage and taxes on,) someone else’s house. Let’s put all this money and effort into our own lives instead of into paying off the landlord’s kid’s bail bondsman.
-I’ve lived out of a suitcase for the last fifteen years. I desperately need a place to call home. (Tears here.)
-If I have to pack up all this &*#! and move one more time, I shall slit my/your throat
-I didn’t ask you for a fancy wedding, or a diamond, or a honeymoon, or a directorship in your company. I already have a nice car of my own. I need some tangible demonstration of your devotion –so I can show my girlfriends.
-I’m pregnant with your child. I want some place stable where I can raise the thing.
-All our younger friends and family have houses, aren’t you embarrassed?
-You have your club/sailboat/airplane/stupid hobbies/disastrous tax shelters. MY project will be making us a nice home.
-Having a house will demonstrate to your colleagues that you’re serious about being a member of this community. That you have roots here. They will send you more referrals.
-It’s either a house, or I start buying horses. Take your pick.
-Buy the #%$&@*! house or I will leave you and find someone else who WILL! (Used only if you’re 100% willing to back up the threat—in which case you might wish to seriously reconsider the whole relationship.)
Suzanne -the CON
The arguments for NOT buying a house have been discussed in great detail here on HBB, and they are undeniably sensible. But sometimes marital harmony takes precedence over common sense. “We can’t afford it!” is a great reason not to buy a house, but it’s a terrible argument when Suzanne is lurking in the shadows with her Magic Bag o’ Accounting Tricks. To counter that you’ll need some heavy guns.
Bargaining
“Well go on a museum-and-shopping tour of Rome instead.”
Wheedling
Wouldn’t you rather have a new car and dinners out every week? Wouldn’t you rather grow old gracefully instead of eating Friskies and living out of a Gelson’s bag?
Coercion
Don’t expect me to put any of MY money into the joint account. (EVER AGAIN.)
Threats
Don’t even THINK about it. (Slowly dicing carrots with a 10-inch chef’s knife.)
Criminality
Okay, Ziggy. How much will it cost me to “stop” him from signing that purchase agreement?
When a truly determined spouse connects with a truly rapacious Suzanne, you have to resort to drastic tactics to avoid being sucked into the abyss. Different personal styles inspire their own approaches. With all the vivid personalities represented on HBB, I’m sure someone can offer the solution that’s just right for you! Anyone else care to share? The home-moaner you save may be one of our own!
*In the interest of full disclosure, I was unsuccessful in my attempts to convince said former spouse not to purchase a half-built, non-compliant, spec-mansion on an inaccessible hilltop in ….Temecula. That he was unemployed and living in a psychiatric facility at the time of purchase (no, really,) was no deterrent to the UHS/broker– who managed to sneak the closing papers in for him to sign after obtaining his telephone and electrical bills (!) as verification of his credit. (His FICO at the time was negative, IIRC.) “I’ve been a professional here for fifteen years!” She said indignantly when I told her his family was prepared to sue her and her agency if she tried to go through with the sale. “I value my reputation in this community.” (Which given mid-bubble Temecula speaks volumes about the place, I think…).
The whole sordid affair was what prompted me to start posting on HBB in the first place. I am still grateful for all the good advice and sympathy I received here.
